I Am a Freak: Addendum

It has come to my attention that in my last article my use of words like "screwed up" and "freak" may have been misinterpreted by those reading as me being negative about myself. The article wasn't supposed to be and the words were merely a reflection of the slang used at the time of the discussion - I dunno, perhaps I should've paraphrased or used neutral words like "unique" more.

So let me assure you: I feel lucky that I was raised how I was, and I'm certainly proud of how I've turned out. And yes, I'm sure I'm not that unique or strange. I wouldn't change a thing - and that on some level was the real point of what I had wrote.

So please enough of the "Hey Shak... I don't think you're screwed up at all". Now that's depressing.

I Am a Freak

WARNING: Gratuitous self indulgence follows. You have been warned.

Saturday night was a close friend's surprise birthday party. Except I was late. The reason? Well as we're approaching the winter period and the days become shorter the time for Esha is getting earlier and earlier - and on Saturday I decided to read it first before I left. Don't worry, we're getting there.

Now a particular conversation with a friend I hadn't seen for a while turned to how screwed up I was. But this wasn't meant to be an insult, oh no. My friend was in fact noting how I manage to incorporate quite disparate behaviours into my own. In particular the two of religion and Everything Else.

Now this got me thinking. I was pretty sure that I was the only one in that hotel bar that night who had read his Esha already. And I didn't see anyone else perform their Salaat during the Bollywood Star auditions late last year. I made sure I read my daily quarter chapter of the Quran today before The O.C. Between completing Dead Air and starting To Kill A Mocking Bird, I'm squeezing in volume one of Ibn Kathir. I'll go cinema twice a week, but never touch a club.

I haven't skipped a fast in Ramadhan since God knows how long, and I go out to eat at least once a week. I've holidayed in Europe, Bali and Singapore with my non-Muslim friends, and have always asked them for assistance in finding the direction of Makkah. And I've visited Saudi to perform Hajj with my folks (although funnily enough I didn't have to ask them in which direction to pray).

I'll hang out with friends who happen to be female. Sometimes I'll greet them with a hug and possibly even lock arms with them as we walk down the road. But I've never embarked on a deeper relationship and never will unless it's with a view to marry (despite the implicit permission from my folks to do so - "Are you sure you haven't got a secret girlfriend, Shak?" they'll ask, and a bit too desperately come to think of it).

Let me make this clear - I'm no example of a pious-liberal-modern-Muslim. I'm not claiming that my way is the ideal way, or that the world would be wonderful if you all took a leaf out of my book. Like anyone else I am what I am. Why I am like this, I don't know but I have a feeling it has something to do with my paradoxically strict yet liberal upbringing. And I certainly am not preaching, so spare me the accusations of hypocrisy - I know where I stand regarding my practice of the religion.

So what exactly is the point of this article? Apart from an obvious excuse for sheer self indulgence? Perhaps if I continued telling you what else we had discussed that Saturday: We were actually analysing why I was still single (and no I didn't bring it up. This time). And we basically concluded that it was 'cos I was so screwed up - and questioned whether it really was possible to find someone to partner my quite wacky and almost contradictory lifestyle.

I refused to believe that I was that unique... Hey, it's a fine idea in theory but mathematically improbable as well as immensely depressing (in fact I could name a some guys, but few girls, that are the same). We did agree that it makes life somewhat difficult though - would I really be able to find someone who would briefly interrupt our current karaoke session so we could pray (in Jamaat, of course)? Someone who'll protect their Salaat but would not feel uncomfortable reading it at a non-Muslim friend's house? Or not out of place making a complimentary visit to a friend's birthday in a hotel bar? And most importantly someone with all these things that I'd, well, like?

I don't think I'm being selfish here - this isn't just about my expectations but also about what is expected of me. Should I expect someone who is relatively religious to accept things about me which they may feel a bit... Contrary? And vice versa - would someone who is relatively "social" (for want of a better word) become irritated at how I repeatedly request that we pop off to pray in the middle of a DVD?

Who knows? Perhaps my friend and I are wrong. Perhaps I don't need all this - I mean who wants someone who is just like them (but perhaps of the opposite sex) anyway? Perhaps someone different will add to my behaviour, just like I would theirs, resulting in not one but two even more screwed up characters...

Film: Super Size Me

Super Size Me takes a look at ubiquitous fast food industry in the USA. The experiment is to see what effect having 3 meals a day from McDonalds does to an average guy, and apart from the obvious ones, some of the findings are pretty interesting. More approachable than Fahrenheit 9/11 (partly 'cos of the subject matter but mainly cos it doesn't have quite the propaganda feel to it that F9/11 had), the film will have an effect on how you consider fast food.

Ironically the film made me hungry. But don't worry, I decided to go home for a nice home cooked meal instead of the nearest Maccys.

Game: Wario Ware Inc.

I've only had a brief go at this, the GameCube version, but already it feels as great as the GBA one. Of course, that alone wasn't enough to justify the purchase - no, I spent my hard earned quids on this game for the multiplayer options which it offers. I can't really remember a recent multiplayer game that was able to draw us all back, so hopefully Wario Ware Inc. will deliver the goods.

Think Bishi Bashi and you'll be two thirds of the way there.

New Music

Lots today, and (gasp) some even in English:

Tera Mera Pyar - Tera Mera Pyar
The title track from the compilation album of the same name. More of the romantic ballad nonsense that I seem to enjoy so much, although this may appeal to a wider audience. Oh, and the video has almost conviced me to visit the cinema on my own.

Yeh Kya Hua - Tera Mera Pyar
Track 2 from the same album, this time sung with a female voice. The strength here is in the music rather than the words - it's a throwback to the old style of bolly songs rather than the updated stuff we hear nowadays.

I'm still going through the rest of the album, but I haven't heard anything of interest so far. I'll keep you posted.

Ready To Go - Republica
Not really much to say about revisiting this classic anthem.

This Love - Maroon 5
Released while I was in Bangladesh, so I've only managed to get it now. Swingy, comprehensible and... Well, fun. I seem to be humming it all the time right now...

I Don't Want To Be - Gavin DeGraw
The theme song from my favourite programme at the moment - One Tree Hill. Yes, it's really only the chorus that I like (as is natural with themes) but that's okay 'cos there's very little verse. Kinda reminds me of Bon Jovi in their old days.

On-The-Fly Binaries via ASP.NET

The problem: Allow reports to be arbitrarily generated via a web form. The idea to allow the user to select a report to generate, set a few more options, and then click a "Generate" button to get the report in a PDF embedded in the browser window.

But how to serve something that doesn't exist yet? The first solution that comes to mind is to generate the file on the web server's filesystem, serve it, then delete it. Not particularly elegant, and may not even work if the file system permissions are not set as the developer would like them to be.

Instead we use the magic contained in IO Streams. Or more specifically a .NET MemoryStream. When you're ready to serve your binary include the following code:

MemoryStream mStream = null; // using System.IO
mStream = (MemoryStream)ExportPDFToStream();
Response.Clear();
Response.ContentType = "application/pdf";
Response.Buffer= true;
Response.AddHeader("Content-Disposition",
"inline; filename=Report.pdf");
Response.BinaryWrite(mStream.ToArray());
Response.End();

And that's it. Bear in mind that Response.End() will stop any further processing of the ASP.NET page, and so the runtime will therefore throw "Thread Ending" exceptions if you try to do anything useful after that point. You might also want to incorporate try, catch and finally blocks to make this a bit safer.

The only caveat in using this method is that whichever classes you are using to generate the binary has to be able to export to System.IO.Stream. The cast will do the rest. Fortunately, in my case, Crystal Reports.NET does this (its saving grace, imo).

It's also easy to see how this technique can be generalised to other binaries irrespective of how they were generated. Don't forget to adapt the content types and disposition to your particular circumstance.

Credit to Chris Wong's article here.

Kali Ma, Shakti De

Wasn't Temple of Doom a great flick? I think it's my favourite Indy adventure...

"Give me your hat"
"...Why?"
"'Cos I wanna puke in it!"

Excellent stuff.

Book: Dead Air, Ian Banks

I had started this book in Bangladesh, where it had begun promisingly. Promisingly in this case doesn't mean "good", but "good enough", since I find that I enjoy books more when they get better and better as you turn a page. Unfortunately, Dead Air, although well written both technically and artistically, doesn't really get any better than it was in the opening pages. In fact, it just one big Middle of a story, ultimately ending in a quite disappointing anticlimax.

Spammy's Choice: Rachel Bilson

She's hot. And she plays a bitch in The OC. What more can a guy ask for?

Seven Days...

So I finally watched the wedding video/media catalogue which apparently included someone I was to check out. Hmm. I wonder if the palms of their hands itch or they sneeze or something when people are pimped in this fashion?

Now obviously I'm not going to post any findings here, but needless to say a video was never going to be that influential in any decision I made regarding going forward. My lunch guests (y'know, safety in numbers and all that) seemed impressed - and we know that's all that matters in these things. That's a joke.

It was still a bit odd though - and I fear that it'll be pretty difficult to approach the whole thing as objectively or at least as normally[1] as I'd like. But then perhaps one isn't expected to...

[1]Yeh yeh, I know what you're thinking - like I have a "normal" approach to women. Ha Ha. But you know what I mean.

Dinner for Twenty

Well Sunday came and went. Of course Mum didn't let me cook, but I managed to whip some cream and cut the watermelon... Which is more than what I usually do. I think everyone enjoyed themselves (feel free to comment if you did, guys) and the small fear I had regarding my folks getting along with the others was unfounded. Although it was a bit strange making the introduction.

Star of the show was Idris. The git. Entertainment of the day was The Tape, but then that deserves its very own blog entry...

Game: Outrun 2 (Demo)

Yes, it's just a demo (and one I paid for), but for your deposit of three quid you get the first three stages of Easy mode as well as four player Live! play.

It's a bit buggy, but it's still great. Perhaps a bit too good - it's difficult to imagine the full game being much better than this. But for now, it seems the demo will be taking a worthy slice of my gaming time.

Oh, and my GamerTag is spams if you're wondering.

Film: King Arthur

One of the good things about expecting a film to be under par is when you're pleasantly surprised that it isn't. This was one of those times. Reminded me much of Braveheart (but mostly cos of the location), the 126 minutes that the film lasted passed pretty quickly. Of course it had its flaws - its editing let it down and the makers decided to include some pretty redundant scenes. But don't let that stop you - it's worth watching just to see the "truth behind the myth" or whatever the tagline was.

Oh, and it has Keira in it.

It's Official: I Have a Personality

And it is that of a Supervisor, apparently. Now, I've done these Myers-Briggs Type Indicator tests before (I'm sure most have in some form or another), but as the BBC usually make these things more accessible to us common folk, I decided to give their take on it a go.

Personally I think that they're all a load of balls - there's no way that twenty, fifty or even a hundred questions can determine someone's personality; and that's if you accept that there are a fixed number of personalities into which you can pigeonhole people in the first place.

The test had four qualities each with two subtypes, and placed the person being tested in a single subtype per quality. The trouble is that the test doesn't allow you to lie somewhere in the middle - to be half-planner and half-spontaneous for example. This makes it way too coarse and where my result was a Supervisor, I reckon I'm more a mixture of that as well as it's neighbouring categories, and at some level all of the remaining ones. But what do I know - 90% of the people taking the test thought it was bang on. I think it's that's due to what I call The Horoscope Effect - one would see themselves in whatever was presented to them if it was written vaguely and positively enough. But hey - it's this ability of being able to relate to a variety of different personalities that makes us interesting.

But moving on... Discussing the subject with an online friend, I was surprised at how her results didn't match what I considered her personality to be. Her explanation for this was that it was impossible to determine one's "true" personality unless you knew them in a more traditional way. I disagreed.

My theory is that no one ever knows your "real" personality. Y'see, personality is defined in many dimensions, some not perceivable under what we consider to be "normal conditions". You can only get to see it via filters... Or in other words, a limited number of dimensions at a time. And in that manner, how you may consider someone via other means isn't necessarily an inaccurate, untrue or fake perception, rather a different aspect of the same subject. Think of an egg - and how it appears to be a circle if you view it from one end.

So what follows is that a person's personality is more than how they appear in real life. And more than how they appear online. And more than how they may appear to their parents, or to a significant other. Or at work - you get the picture. It's the sum of all these things that begins to describe what a guy or girl is really like. And paradoxically it's only when you realise this about a person - the fact that there's more to them than you (will prolly ever) know - that you really know them.

And that, dear reader, is why all personality tests suck.

You can take the BBC Personality Test thingy here.

Film: The Village

Typical up-down Shyamalan fare - which may not be a bad thing if you're into that kinda thing. Me, I'm not sure. I don't regret watching it (like I did Riddick, shudder), yet I don't recall actually enjoying it. Hmm.

And I still think that Unbreakable is the best of his four.

WLTM

Alright, so a friend of mine was checking out the wide range of online matrimonial sites currently available for us lucky singletons to check out. Not for any possibilities you understand (well none that he'd admit to anyway), but he likes to check them out every now and then to see what the "scene", as it were, was like. In this particular survey he found that not much had changed.

Firstly, it seemed that plagiarism was rife in the world of Internet Personal Ads. Not only was every candidate outgoing, they were also funny, intelligent and a really good friend - you know, someone you could rely on in times of need. A fair few also stated Islam/Hinduism/Sikhism/Etc "as their strength". "Hell", my friend declared, "I'd immediately snap up someone who admitted that they were insular, stubborn and preferred to watch Eastenders than going out for a meal - at least I'd know they were honest!". Yup, Internet personals have overtaken School Progress Reports as the de facto standard of identikit personal profiling.

Secondly, it seemed that the publicist that they all use (my friend reckons there can only be one of them - two, tops) may not have had the pleasure of a basic school education. He even suggested that English may not be their first language. A bit harsh (I mean it's not like his English is particularly fantastic) but on the other hand you gotta wonder how seriously you should regard an individual who a) uses text language, b) struggles to correctly place "there", "their" and "they're", c) can't be bothered to use a simple spellcheck or take a minute to proofread their profile before publishing, or d) uses the subject pronoun in "Tom and I" instead of the object in "Tom and me". Alright, perhaps the last one can be forgiven. But the point still stands. A little care, people - I mean there's an artistic display of personality and everything, but there's also laziness and a lack of basic decent presentation.

My friend also commented on the poor souls whose profiles were posted not by themselves, but instead by a relative - like the brother who tells us that he can't explain why his sister cant find a husband (you know, since she has a fantastic personality and is ok looking and everything). Little does he know she's been dating her current boyfriend for ages now and doesn't actually want interfering families discussing her lack of a love life online. Or perhaps it was the case that the brother/mother/whoever cant see past their rose tinted spectacles...

So no, he (my friend) wasn't impressed. Of course I had to take him to task (as I do) - he was hardly being fair after all. "They're not all like that, fool" I claimed, while showing him the plenty of normal, professional, genuinely funny yet classy girls (who even had pictures which of course we didn't look at seeing as we're good Muslim boys - and besides, it's not like cared what they look like) available on the site. So what exactly was wrong with them? Does the way in which you discovered a person really have that much of an effect on how you would consider them? I suggested that, if so, it was probably an issue he had rather than anyone he was investigating.

I explained that I had a friend who is due to marry someone she met online (although admittedly not via a matrimonial site) and that I knew a fair few normal people who considered it perfectly acceptable (although these all seem to be single women in their thirties. hmm). So what exactly was the problem, friend?

"You're just looking for an excuse not to proceed..." I accused. Personally, I think that he was scared of becoming "one of them" who, perhaps irrationally, are seen as desperate loners who cant get a partner in a more traditional manner (whatever that is nowadays - I mean is a personal ad any less clinical, romantic or random than an introduction? Perhaps not). Which is totally untrue of course - if anything these boys and girls are braver than my friend was - after all they took the next step and posted a profile rather than remain safe in the anonymity of being just a critical browser. They're the ones who put their neck on the line despite, in all probability, having the same irrational fear that my friend had. I explained to him that the facts that he was a) browsing and, it later transpired, b) considering signing up and posting his own profile, proved that there were people as normal as him (which in retrospect may not have been the best point to make) pursuing a relationship in this way. And of course that he didn't have to make it the exclusive manner in which he found a partner - this just happened to be another option which may or may not pay off dividends.

So yes, I convinced him (with very little effort to be honest) to take that leap and disregard his bogus fear and sign up. And he had his profile ready ("slim, funny, out-bloody-going") and had filled in all the other requirements and various other options that would make life easier for whomever did the searching. And he was about to press the submit button when he suddenly found the (grammatically incorrect and replete with spelling errors) profile of someone he knew... Which for some reason managed to reaffirm his original stance regarding the people who used these sites - possibly because this particular person was still single.

"Hmmm" he said, "Maybe this isn't such a good idea after all. Yeh, perhaps ill hold off signing up right now..."

The OC Returns

But while it was gone (silly C4) it seems that One Tree Hill usurped its throne as leading teeny bopping drama. Is there room for two of these? I'm not sure. I do know which I prefer though... Hey, at least we get one and a half seasons back to back...

Film: The Chronicles Of Riddick

Well fourth time unlucky as they say. Okay, we all knew deep inside that it'd be crap, but that admiration for Pitch Black convinced me to watch in hope - maybe the critics missed something, maybe they didn't get the franchise. But no, they were spot on. It's pap. Zero continuity (something which may not bother you as it does me), a shabby plot, bad acting... Even Thandie Newton didn't score it any points.

Avoid like the plague.

Film: Dodgeball - A True Underdog Story

Well considering how much I had enjoyed the last two films, I was kinda afraid that I'd be pushing my luck expecting a third hit. But no, Dodgeball was good. A feeble plot didn't get in the way of the gags (which were the best I had experienced in a long time - think Farrelly Brothers). In fact the lowest point was when the actual dodgeball tournament itself started - but that was mercifully short anyway.

If you're looking for something that isn't an action packed special effects extravaganza, check it out.

Film: I, Robot

A great tribute to Asimov's stuff, even though it really only borrows the Three Rules. Almost a mystery thriller, but one that holds your hand throughout, making sure you dont have to, like, think. So instead, enjoy the visuals (and I don't mean Bridget, guffaw snort) and action. A warning though - it takes a bit to get started, so make sure you've been for a pee beforehand.

Oh, and does anyone remember what the Fourth Rule is?

Film: The Bourne Supremacy

More of the same, which is no bad thing. Matt Damon is still great in a role that almost seems was written for him. Of course, it'll prolly have the same amount of replay value as the first (ie none), but the initial viewing will leave you hanging for more (which hopefully we'll get in the final instalment of the trilogy).

So yeh, go watch.

Gimmie Some Worms

So how many friday nights at home does it take before you're officially termed socially inept? Bah. At least I can depend on my DVD player.

Smack My Bitch Up

He had us going for a while he was shaking off the nerves in the first round, but he did us proud in the end.

Congratulations Amir!

Men Are Disgusting

My evidence:

1) A day never passes where I don't spot a guy not washing his hands after using the toilet. Yet people call me paranoid for washing my hands after shaking hands? And what I find really amusing is that no one will admit to doing this.

2) A week never passes where I don't find pee on the toilet seat. Luckily I'm an expert at the Two Sheets Technique used to isolate bum from seat.

3) This one is nasty, so you may want to look away. Yesterday I found what can only be described as a sticky brown lumpy stain on the floor in front of one of the toilets. Yeeach. At the time of posting it is still there, although now having been stepped on its more spread out and less detectable. Double Yeeach. And there are people around here who walk around with no shoes...

New Music

Well not so new this time:

Chale Jaise Hawayein - Main Hoon Na
I've had to get this due to being force fed it by the Hussains the past couple of months. Damn the effects of familiarity. Still, a nice ditty that makes me bob my head like a maniac on the Tube. And it reminds me of Amrita, so it can't be all bad.

It's The Time To Disco - Kal Ho Na Ho
Every holiday needs a theme song, and for our recent trip to Bangladesh it's this. Not fantastic, but still brings a smile to my face when I remember the microbus journey home from one of BN1's events (I forget which one exactly) and the dancing at BN2's Guy Holid. However, it also reminds me of Ishaq's singing. Shudder.

You can check out my current playlist here.

Spammy's Choice: Amrita Rao

A regular piece exploring the person which I am currently obsessing over. At the moment, it's Amrita Rao:



http://www.stardust.co.in/images/stars/amritarao.jpg

Nobody likes a poser...

A few pictures (at the minute just BN1's Gaye Hulud) have been put up. You can get to them via the usual place. Normal web picture viewing rules apply.

Keep checking back to see when the rest are posted. If you're at all bothered, that is.

It cant be that easy... Can it?

So, I just got back from Bangladesh. Wonderful place - reminded me of Pakistan really, but possibly a tad poorer. Oh, and I couldn't understand what people were saying. And they were shorter. And darker. It was more expensive than Karachi too, which I found surprising. People here keep asking me "How were the floods?", and without intending on taking away from the severity of the situation there, to be totally honest if I hadn't had known there were floods before I left I prolly wouldn't have after returning either.

I also preferred Chittagong to Dhaka (which for me was actually Narayanganj). That was probably cos the latter was towards the end of a long holiday, as well as Chittagong having had both weddings so we were kept pretty busy with the celebrations there.

Did I say both weddings? Well, we all had always considered the possibility that Brother Number Two (BN2) would also get married, but it was still a strange and surprising event to witness. Brother Number One (BN1) had met his fiancé back in December and they've been in some form of contact for the eight months they had before their nuptial day. Which I find pretty reasonable for a modern day international arranged-cum-introduced marriage. They certainly seemed comfortable together (after the marriage of course. Tut tut).

BN2 met his fiancé a week before their Nikkah. She was the second of three which he had met.

OK, don't get me wrong - They're both fantastic girls. And I'm convinced they'll all be happy and take great pleasure in taking care of each other for the rest of their lives. But after hearing stories which point to how hard it is to find The One (bleurgh), or maintain a relationship, isn't there something unsettling about being able to turn around the foundations of a successful marriage in less than a week? There shouldn't be - but as much as we like to think otherwise, we're just not used to it.

Now, I've always claimed that its easy for one to get married if they really wanted to. And that if they weren't, this wasn't due to a bout of bad luck or social inadequacy or anything - it was more due to them not wanting it enough. But perhaps that's the point here; that people don't just want a marriage, they don't just want someone to take care of them and keep them company, but further want a best friend, a confidanté, a spouse as well - the latter isnt necessarily implied by the former. Can you recognise that in someone in a week? I'm not sure that you can. However, I'm not claiming that these things cant grow. Nah, in all likeliness they will with someone who you would spend that much time with (especially if all parties involved are as great as they are in these two cases).

But perhaps, for some of us, we need this to happen before we sign that dotted line? Not particularly practical, sure - I mean this may be time better spent building a relationship with someone concrete, someone definite. Hell, it may not even be reasonable - we're all pretty flexible when it comes to interacting with others who are too. But it could explain why some choose to make it so difficult for themselves - anything other than what we have planned for ourselves may feel like a compromise (is this settling for less? Woah, that's a whole other blog entry). And ironically, it's prolly these same people who would be better off focusing their efforts on a single person rather than other less than potential possibilities.

And so, Mother Dearest has become hardcore smitten on getting me married off "back home", citing the two examples I have had the good fortune to witness. Now I've never said I was closed to the idea - in fact I've always found it bizarre how some can so easily write off a whole country - but I must admit after my experiences in Bangladesh the idea has become an almost-preference.

And yet, despite what I've written above, not a complete one. Pfft.

Well here you have it...

Its like, totally my blog.

Well, Ive been meaning to start one of these things for a while now. I usually end up posting my random thoughts on either the ALMBs or Collective, but seeing as I dont have much time to browse the former, and am probably boring the latter, it seemed to me that a blog would be the perfect place to spout instead. That and the ability to author posts on my PDA. So sad, I know.

Like it says in the description this isnt really for public consumption - although Ill prolly be linking to various posts or articles here to save time repeating myself. Yes, its strange writing stuff whichll prolly go unread, but for me writing seems to help organise and clear my thoughts.

So anyway, thats enough justification from me. If you are just browsing, enjoy, and please feel free to comment. Its that button down there...

Bangladesh

1st August 2004 - London (LHR) to Dhaka (DAC)
21st August 2004 - Dhaka (DAC) to London (LHR)