The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

Yes folks, it's that time of the year again. I was dreading today actually; not just for the usual reasons but more because I didn't think I'd have anything to write about that I haven't already previously. There's only so much hate one can present in an original manner, after all.

Luckily though news broke on the radio this morning about the launch of yet another website aimed at those wussies who lust after other passengers on their daily Tube commute, and who then choose not to do anything about it (not that I have any idea of what is meant by this, of course).

Today's site in particular is called talkonthetube.com, and claims to be the social network for the London Underground, a death knell if I ever read one (the creators of this site obviously haven't realised that social networking is now officially over). But apart from misguided marketing, they are hardly unique in a place where similar things already exist, and so actually make it more difficult for such people to find each other. Disclaimer: I didn't know about these sites before today. Especially ISawYouToday.com, which I have never visited in my life and will strenuously deny any accusations and reject any evidence of ever having using.

But I digress. There are a few problems with all this.

Firstly, I do wonder what the likelihood is of people actually connecting on such sites. I firmly believe that if a couple of randoms do seriously fancy each other then destiny will put them together in other more direct ways, the implication being that Objects of Desire who ignore you just want to be left alone at 8:30 in the morning. And if they did ignore you on the train, then the chances are that they won't bother looking you up on fifteen different stalker websites as soon as they get to a computer. But hey: perhaps I'm just naive about people being shy or something.

The second applies to all kinds of manufactured or forced match-ups. I mean, sure, I get that people meet one another in a variety of different ways and places and further that there's an alleged thrill in the chase, but there is a danger of totally missing the point and objectifying your victim when pursuing them in this way. And that's something that can only end in disappointment as they become nothing more than a web profile or email address.

So no, unfortunately I really can't see the use of talkonthetube.com. I think growing a pair is a much purer, correct, fulfilling and advantageous strategy.

As for me and my plans for today, well I think I'll carry on last year's tradition and pay the cinema a visit on my own, again in some wild attempt to justify my bachelorhood. Although since I can now access early afternoon showings, perhaps it's not as much of a statement as I want it to be. Hmm. Perhaps I should, I dunno, travel around on the Tube for the afternoon or something...

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

The irony, of course, is that I didn't think I'd have to write one of these this year. "2010 will be the year I'll finally put up that backtrack I've been desperate to post for the past fifteen years" I told myself last time around. Still, to be fair I had said the exact same thing in 2008, and have it in the back of my mind even now as I write this.

Virtual self-mutilation aside though I do seem to have made it through a bit of mind-shift since last Valentine's: up until last year I did still hold onto the image of being finally able to do partake in rituals like this with a partner post-marriage, but something seems to have changed over the past 12 months. Not in a sad or despairing way, but more in a "I now want different, perhaps more practical, things in life and anything else will be a bonus". I guess between acknowledging my age and realising what I really want at this point in my life (clue: it's not very exciting), I've finally been able to let go of some of the things I had missed out on which I had wanted to experience, and accept that it just may not happen in that particular way.

Cynical enough or just plain depressing? Apologies if it's the latter; I hope the following will make up for it:

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

Oh don't worry: the fact that this is my tenth post of vitriolic rambling is as depressing for me as it might be for you. On the other hand, I am impressed by the sheer stamina of the theme and although I don't know how they would look, I reckon I have at least another ten posts in me. Crikey. Ten! You can click the title link for the rest by the way.

But what exactly do I talk about this year? Could it be the unprecedented increase in apparent losership (a clear sign of whippage in my opinion)? Or how about how pervasive it's becoming in places I previously thought immune (oh why Karachi, why?)?

No, perhaps what I will talk about is my increasing indifference to the theme here, not because I denounce most forms of blatant commercialism, but because I've become even more cynical about anything and everything, of which my distaste of this day is but a mere iceberg tip.

Woah there, this post almost became seriously dark. Let's bring the humour back:

But hey, at least I got my own back on the day - Krispy Kreme offered me some sweets if I was to complete the old "Roses are red..." poem at the time I was claiming. I did so, humorously so I might add, and got not just one but two original glazed doughnuts as a reward. That extra doughnut was the difference between me being exploited and doing the exploiting, and so I see no problem seeing it as a win for the little man. There's no need to thank me.

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

You know, I had to actually check if I had written about Valentine's before. Of course I had (and previous posts can be found here and here), which is both impressively and depressingly consistent at the same time.

Not one wanting to break with tradition, I'm happy to say that I didn't receive any cards or messages today; not even a gag-pity-e-card. But then that's okay since I DON'T ACTUALLY CARE ANYWAY. But I understand that some do, and for you guys Urban Dictionary has some good entries on what Valentine's Day really stands for. Go stick those up your nose holes, you exploited and whipped consumers.

As for me, my plans this evening involve a trip to the cinema. Possibly even on my own. That'll be more than enough for me; I just hope that it won't all be spoiled by countless inconsiderate couples or, even worse, jovial gangs of over-compensating sistahood single women. Why aren't you all making the same effort every other day of the year anyway, huh?

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

The really frustrating thing is that although we constantly hear about the plentiful number of fine women desperate to have a date on this fine day, I'm still dateless and find myself once again at my PC bitching about the whole thing instead.

But I like to console myself with the realisation that a) this day isn't actually for couples anyway, but for singles who want to become the former and b) I don't even want to do anything on this day anyway even if I was able to finally tick that other box on my census form. That's not bitterness, that's being old and wanting an early night.

But okay fine; if the day didn't hold some kind of significance for me then I wouldn't be bothered enough to complain about it in a post. But hey that's explainable enough: for a start I'm a stickler for tradition, but more than that if I ever do find myself on the other side then I'll lose my right to write my repeal of all this bitterness as soon as I give up moaning about it on the way. Yes, it's all about the long game.

Anyway to prove that I'm perfectly balanced about all this let me take this opportunity to wish you all a very happy Valentine's Day whether you're celebrating it with someone or not.

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

It's an especially hateful Valentine's Day this year - I won't bother explaining why and I won't be responding to any questions either so don't bother. I'm serious. Cough.

So what can us singles collectively bitch about this year? Commercialism is lame (and easily avoided by celebrating the day before or after), complaining about how difficult it is to find someone is annoying (I'm sure) and just stating that those who happen to be in relationships are losers is just too easy (no matter how true it is). You do all realise it's just a matter of time before you break up, right?

So how about we flip the script a bit? I think that conventionally this annual post shouldn't be deep or long, so just bear with me on this one: how about I make the suggestion that those of us still single are such purely out of choice? Make it due to laziness, high expectations, fear or whatever you want; the point is that if any of us really did want to celebrate VD (snigger) with a loved one then they totally could. It's in our hands people.

Still, at least I won't be totally and utterly alone watching a film this year. No, tonight is all about curry, poker, foos-ball (and bitching about those in relationships whatever their gender. We are equal opportunity haters). I guess I should be thankful for having such lovely (and chronically single) mates. And you know what? There's no reason whatsoever that we can't celebrate the unique love that exists between friends during this day either.

The Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

A stupid day wasted on the typical SKs and VPs wasting their PAYG credits by sending stupid text messages between each other all day ("I love you jaan.frm VP xxx"). Of course their folks don't know but it's ok cos SK is buff (he uses gel in his hair, y'see) and drives generic blacked out car #284. Little does VP know (well actually she does, but she's in denial 'cos "he treats her so well, and loves me for me, y'know?") but SK's mum wants him to go back home and in fact has Pindoo lined up for him when they go back this Summer. Poor bugger "don't have a choice, innit". It's ok though 'cos when the poop hits the fan VP will get over it, or at least that's what she'll tell the poor shmuck who she's on the rebound with. Feel for this guy, people; Shmuck is smart, funny, treats VP right and with the most respect and even gets on with VP's mum. But of course since he's not SK he's doomed to fail. Meanwhile SK is cheating on Pindoo with some white girl, but hey, at least he's happy (although the odd "how ru" text from VP is becoming slightly annoying).

Yeh, I'm rambling. And please don't comment on how this is basic jealousy and self pity with a sprinkling of male insecurity. I know this. But still, there's a point in there somewhere, right?

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

A very, very easy one this year:

All true, yet I'm still struggling to think which category I fall into. And no, that isn't an invitation to comment.

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

You know, you'd think I'd be able to avoid the whole thing over here but nooooooooo. Damn progressives, how dare you hold hands in the holy sanctuary. Tut.

The Annual Inevitably Cynical "I Hate Valentine's" Post

Worst day of the year, waste of time, commercial, fake, for sad people and bum bum heads.

It's offensive to single people and we should ban it. Bah humbug.

Link of the Day

Nokia Cupid

Be romantic and send a free Valentine's message to your unsuspecting target's mobile phone number (assuming you actually know it of course). The the thing for those of you too cheap or cowardly to do something better. My only regret, of course, is that I have nobody's digits to plug into the website myself. Hopefully someone reading will find a use for it though.

And don't worry; the hate will resume tomorrow as normal.