tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post8170042053829132541..comments2023-06-19T13:55:49.396+01:00Comments on Radio Shak: A Distinct Lack Of AmbitionShakhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13657830810835591711noreply@blogger.comBlogger24125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-81438669237217993292010-07-18T00:17:11.274+01:002010-07-18T00:17:11.274+01:00Salams,
I find it awkward to post a comment, not ...Salams,<br /><br />I find it awkward to post a comment, not having met you in person or known you and having been granted permission to post my thoughts honestly, yet since you have granted me this privilege, here goes.<br /><br />I see you constantly having to define yourself in comparison to 'others'? Other asians, other people, other ideas..?<br /><br />Everyone has a struggle in their life and perhaps this is your intellectual dilemma In as far as I have understood life, this path is possibly what will drive you towards the spiritual lessons you need to learn during your time in this dunya.<br /><br />Good luck!<br /><br />FarhatFarhathttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08186000636608286383noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-1731758489213219342010-03-22T01:49:15.771+00:002010-03-22T01:49:15.771+00:00love your post, honest, very honest in fact.
do ...love your post, honest, very honest in fact.<br /><br />do you look only for an asian wife? or you are open to any races?<br /><br />maybe marrying an alien is an answer to your frustration? at least she wouldn't be prejudiced and except anything from you except for love:)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-73650544053031283252010-03-20T20:00:11.289+00:002010-03-20T20:00:11.289+00:00I don't think this situation has come out of w...I don't think this situation has come out of women's own doing. It's a societal problem and there are plenty of "ambitious" men who'd rather stay at work till whatever late or go on weeks long business trips than come home in time to tuck their kids into bed. As I noted, my observation is with regards to the Asian community and not just women, but since I'm not looking to marry a guy I (quite selfishly perhaps) was only explicit about one particular gender toward the end of my post.<br /><br />>considering someone without a career, or even some random office job, would be downgrading.<br /><br />Well personally I've now started to quite actively look for women who don't currently have big degrees or jobs. Maybe there are some of the former who are willing to give it all up, but judging by the experiences I've had I honestly no longer have the time or inclination to find out. As such your assertion of how there are "so many well educated professional women" (which I agree with) is actually a limiter for me. So much for being spoilt for choice.Shakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13657830810835591711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-10949378385419096452010-03-20T19:32:56.789+00:002010-03-20T19:32:56.789+00:00@That Mash Guy - Shak already knows Anon1 (aka me ...@That Mash Guy - Shak already knows Anon1 (aka me :P)<br /><br />Shak: It's funny reading all these posts and finding that it's mostly women responding. What I want to kow is - how many guys are there out there who feel the same way as you? Who want wives, not halal girlfriends? How many guys are happy with just homemakers? I've come across the type of guys who wont consider anyone without a career, there's the type that want a woman to be working but then give it up after they get married (makes sense...?), then there's the type who don't mind either way (which to me sounds more like 'I don't care'). oh and there's also the type that would prefer career women but woukd reconsider if a potential is really hot. <br /><br />I'm seriously struggling to come across any well educated working professionals who actually want a homemaker (and, I should add, NOT also have to be a tall, fair skinned, slim, utterly toned supermodel...but since that would put me in rant mode I should probably stop). <br /><br />I think men are so spoilt for choice considering how many well educated professional women there are on market, that considering someone without a career, or even some random office job, would be downgrading.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-35009609150009668992010-03-12T16:17:07.909+00:002010-03-12T16:17:07.909+00:00Well, if all the women you meet are happy to work ...Well, if all the women you meet are happy to work and you are happy not to, why don't you stay home and do the family role?Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-39063057597199975782010-03-12T09:36:02.758+00:002010-03-12T09:36:02.758+00:00Just to clear something up: By "things not ch...Just to clear something up: By "things not changing" I didn't mean the attitudes of others, but more about my own luck during my search: if there are so many people who agree with what I'm saying why am I not meeting them in real life? Am I asking the wrong questions? Are they not being honest about their answers and thus giving a wrong impression of who they are?<br /><br />My article wasn't about preaching to others to change what drives them, or to undermine their ambitions - I respect all of my friends and family (many of whom are women) who show a passion in the things I might not, and I certainly don't think they should or need to change for marriage or any other reason, and neither am I saying my attitude is universally and inherently the best and one that everyone should aim for.<br /><br />However for a wife I don't think this mutual respect is enough; you need an understanding and shared goals too. That's what I'm struggling to find. So this is about finding someone who already thinks the same way rather than changing the attitudes of anyone else. If I'm not finding these people via the routes I'm using now, then perhaps it's me who needs to change where I'm looking.<br /><br />As for being unfair to women, Zahera might be right. However it's not like I immediately discount any girl who has a job etc - any conclusion we both (mutually) come to is always after talking about it in relative detail and asking each other what we expect from marriage and life in general. It's not a snap decision. In fact most will say that they're not pursuing a career for financial reasons but mostly because they enjoy it (not a bad thing); and that this is why they'd want to carry on since for them a more traditional role wouldn't give them that enjoyment. I've yet to find a girl, without exception, who says they work purely for the financial and supporting reasons I do.<br /><br />Maybe like you both imply some women are wrong about what will make them happy, but they certainly seem sure about it enough for me to believe them. Who am I to second guess what they're saying? Perhaps I should assume a girl doesn't really mean what she says, but I'd say that's a dangerous game to play.<br /><br />Amazingly some people (all who were girls but one) have even suggested I should be a bit unethical and "go along" with the goals of a potential and then exploit the "natural changes she's bound to have after marriage". Quite frankly I'm not sure what advice Zahera is giving here; I don't think I can count on someone "realising what really makes them happy" after our nikkah. That sounds quite risky.<br /><br />Finally my stance is precisely because I don't want to "shaft" someone or make them give up anything they really want. In fact I'd say the majority of women I talk to WOULD quit their jobs and take care of the home if I insisted that they do. However I'd rather marry someone who is happy to do this herself than someone who would reluctantly due to my own shortcomings and inflexibility.Shakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13657830810835591711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-30328792085978129332010-03-12T07:12:34.624+00:002010-03-12T07:12:34.624+00:00This was a brilliant post, and I loved and agreed ...This was a brilliant post, and I loved and agreed with most of it. I came to the realisation of work/money/things not bringing happiness a while back, and it has completely changed my way of life. I am all the more appreciative for what I have, and the little required to make me happy. <br /><br />On the note, of finding a potential partner that is passionate about being a homemaker, I agree with Zahera that you are potentially being unfair to women. Not all women currently working do so out of choice, some have financial responsibilities. In today's society others do so out of a desire for independence, should the future marriage turn out badly, at least they are able to be self sufficient and not rely on either the husband or family... This may seem callous to men, but I think in today’s lifestyle it’s being realistic and responsible.<br /><br />Maybe we've just simply not had the same obstacles that others have had and have therefore not had to tackle them?<br /><br />I think you have been very lucky, Alhamdulillah that you have lived a simple, happy life. Many people search for this simple happiness, it took me a long time to find that myself. <br /><br />As for whether your post actually results in any change, I think many people feel as you do, yet change doesn't happen overnight and you shouldn't expect it to. I think the most significant change would be the awareness of one's current life and motivation behind actions which will result in conscious efforts being made to change such actions and motivations.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-39230181648869555012010-03-10T16:08:25.750+00:002010-03-10T16:08:25.750+00:00The first time we met we ate at pizza hut mwahahah...The first time we met we ate at pizza hut mwahahaha :-D<br /><br />Shak,firstly- wonderful post. I really really enjoyed reading this. Having met your folks- i can say that you are a testimony to their brilliant parenting and contentment with what they have in life. There is so much hamony in your home that i can appreciate why you want the things you do and why certain qualities are preferred and prioritised.<br /><br />However, sometimes im not sure that youre being fair. You know shak, plenty of women dont even realise that they would be completely content being a housewife and mother. We have these dreams and ambitions that go beyong selfish needs in alot of cases (for example: i always wanted to do clinical because i care about people- im not in it for money or fame or anything like that). I never thought i would be so darn ecstatic about looking after my home, caring for my husband, nurturing my son... its not something i even contemplated. But life has a way of unfolding its own plans and sometimes you just go with them and you realise that doing something different to what you expected doesnt make you any less happy.<br /><br />If youre taking about not being open and welcoming to those situations and adjustments to begin with- then yes i can understand how that could be a problem, but what im saying is- dont just assume that when a woman says she has dreams and ambitions that should life take a different turn- she wouldnt be able to cope of love it any less. Theres a power in women that men underestimate. The only thing i would say (which im positive youre plenty aware of because i know you)! is that.. it should be an option she is fully able to accept (the option of staying home etc) because problems only arise when one feels as though they have been sideshafted or made to give up whats important to them, this only breeds resentment and THATS what leads to unsuccessful marriages.<br /><br />Word veri is HINGIN hehehehehe :-PZaherahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10666016353958203164noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-35100453430269975322010-03-09T06:57:17.874+00:002010-03-09T06:57:17.874+00:00it appears u r living in your head as oposed to th...it appears u r living in your head as oposed to the real world<br />you are trying to justify to the world who you are and why you are who you are <br />what others think and how they reposnd to you means something for you<br />or you are expecting someone to miraculasily get you by reading this which may possibly mean there is little you expect yourself to do to find ms right..<br />the time it takes you to do this and reflect on this could be spent on living rather than reflecting and thinking why you are who you are<br />start living rather than theorising<br /><br />i remember the time when i was of that view point.. maybe i too had this over burning desire to explain to people why i am the way i am and why i cant seem to find mr right but i wasn't so public maybe i needed some reassurance that what im looking is right and the way i choose to live is right.. <br />but i dont think it was necessary we dont need ot explain to anybody otehr than allah but even then allah knows what is in our hearts so it doesnt matter really..Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-89465013531309406672010-03-08T22:49:37.913+00:002010-03-08T22:49:37.913+00:00everything changes.
only the mentally blind and s...everything changes.<br /><br />only the mentally blind and spiritually stagnant ignore the moral impact of time...Jhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602980400274178372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-78758486417833160852010-03-08T22:19:10.876+00:002010-03-08T22:19:10.876+00:00maybe you could reflect on that very point "n...maybe you could reflect on that very point "nothing actually changes".. what exactly are your expectations from publically writing such posts??<br />maybe some sort of encouragment/tap on the back. some sort of affirmation/confirmation/acknowledgment or justificaton of your position/struggle?? maye a hey look at me or a yeah shak you carry on as you are your right on this?<br />yes i agree with everything you say, but what about it?? im of exactly the same way of thinking yet my whole life others led me to think i was the problem with my attitude to life.<br />if this is what u believe and is important to you then things will happen when the time is right.<br />but im not sure exactly what your expectations are from writing about it??Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-59905584280514556262010-03-08T14:51:48.649+00:002010-03-08T14:51:48.649+00:00They know where I am.
Seriously though, what'...They know where I am.<br /><br />Seriously though, what's really quite frustrating is that I write stuff like this, get a pretty unexpected level of response and collective nod of agreement (which is great), but then nothing actually changes.<br /><br />Either I'm being misunderstood here or we're all still not saying what we want or representing ourselves on the ground in real life where it matters.<br /><br />I think a future post will have to be about how potential mates aren't mindreaders.Shakhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13657830810835591711noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-28952835112932946382010-03-08T14:20:14.692+00:002010-03-08T14:20:14.692+00:00I think you should try and find out who Anon 1 is....I think you should try and find out who Anon 1 is.That Mash Guyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16569586702257402565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-33039762898589641162010-03-07T10:00:49.239+00:002010-03-07T10:00:49.239+00:00To be direct, I think there is a lot of rationaliz...To be direct, I think there is a lot of rationalization in your post.<br /><br />Also the level of sincerity varies from paragraph to paragraph, and actually seems more forced as you progress, which is a little unsettling considering the sensitivity and intelligence which has been invested in this post.<br /><br />I appreciate that you have chosen 'a middle way', a safe and less troubled way... but ...<br /><br />Isn't your life the expression of your soul? <br /><br />If you take no risks how can you grow spiritually?<br /><br />Out of interest, do you feel your approach to Islam is more communitarian?<br /><br />Salam<br /><br />JawadJhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12602980400274178372noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-21906487481781052202010-03-07T09:08:17.180+00:002010-03-07T09:08:17.180+00:00You sound like a really wholesome and happy person...You sound like a really wholesome and happy person. Achieving that in itself is a remarkable feat. That being the ultimate thing that we all are striving for in our own individual ways and so few manage to attain. I'm definitely having Pizza Hut today... Thank you for your post. xxPrincess Pink Moonnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-86412473585068491922010-03-06T21:13:29.970+00:002010-03-06T21:13:29.970+00:00I loved what you have wrote, I agree with it all, ...I loved what you have wrote, I agree with it all, but it has me thinking about my life and the choses I have made or better said the choses that had to be made.<br /><br />For a along time I did not do more then what you have said, but as my children are growing my needs are also. I want to inspire them to be more then just being alive, I want to bring out the best within them, to teach them not to worry overly about others and their abitions and drives to do what makes them happy as idviduals. To be true to oneself, but then you have to know oneself from within. Life is about growing, changing and bettering oneself and I am not talking about money. <br /><br />I am talking about your chacecter, attrubutes, self worth, confidence, belief, self respect and much more that comes from life experinces not text books or someone telling you. The best lessons you learn come from mistakes, but first you must understand you have made one.<br /><br />Knowing right from wrong.<br /><br />My need now is to prove myself to me. I feel like I have been asleep for so long and I am now awake. I do feel like that we as parents need to lead the way for our children so much of our society needs to change for the better, but change first has to come from within, then home, family, freinds, community and society. We always want someone else to do the fighting and making the hard decions and our answer is that society has to change. No first we need to change and the little thing do matter; which we always forget; comfort, security, love, care, kindness, understanding, patients, tolerance and forgiveness.<br /><br />Every thing comes down to balance and what your needs are today does not mean it will be the same tommorow.<br /><br />What my needs where at 16 would not have worked at 19 when I married. What my needs where when I was only a wife is now not the same as I am a mother of 4 boys.<br /><br />Who now need us to be providers, protectors, nutures, guiders and encouragers. We need to lead the way for them to function later in life.<br /><br />As your lives change your needs will change but the trick will be balancing it all and it is never easy, it may look it but it never is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-15701294529401369612010-03-06T21:04:08.010+00:002010-03-06T21:04:08.010+00:00nice post and over the last 3-4 years I've slo...nice post and over the last 3-4 years I've slowly found my opinions changing and I agree with the gist of the post. especially the point about all the other stuff being the icing on the cake rather than the things to aim for.<br /><br />making a family work is tough. and the reason a lot of people fail at it is because they don't think those relationships/spaces need attention.That Mash Guyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16569586702257402565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-55209991414238308732010-03-06T17:32:52.063+00:002010-03-06T17:32:52.063+00:00Excellent. I find myself relating to a lot of what...Excellent. I find myself relating to a lot of what you said. And while you say you are in the tiny minority, I think attitudes are changing with our generation. Unfortunately though, when it comes to rishta searching we have a long way to go. I've often been rejected for my lack of a formal education, it seems that for some, it is the only benchmark to measure success As anon says wanting to be a homemaker just isn't deemed aspiring enough. Good old values just aren't enough these days.Honest Wafflehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16488453952048370844noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-61033646970597695652010-03-06T17:21:15.292+00:002010-03-06T17:21:15.292+00:00Really nice post Shak.Really nice post Shak.londonkalhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11670628659571063214noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-56103375435582864172010-03-06T16:26:55.327+00:002010-03-06T16:26:55.327+00:00"I'm not sure I can claim to have such a ..."I'm not sure I can claim to have such a drive, and I always struggle to list stuff under "hobbies and interests" mainly because I usually don't have more than a passing or incidental interest in the things I happen to do.<br />...<br />in my case it seems to be this lack of ambition which most contributes to the conclusion of incompatibility myself and a potential rishta settle on. It's not that anyone has incorrect or wrong priorities, but I feel what drives someone has to match or at least be understood and supported by a partner for a marriage to be successful"<br /><br />I am completely agree with you in regards to the rishta process. Especially when you get auntie jis calling us and are taken aback when my mother tells them I don't want to work despite my qualifications and just want to be homemaker. Lack of ambition from a well educated woman appears to be a sign of backwardness and laziness. And if I can't tell them that I have an office job or something, then I'm expected to invent new and exciting hobbies/interests to prove I am outgoing and fun and not just a boring homemaker or a doormat. Sod off, I say. <br /><br />It's definately important for two people to understand what drives the other, but unfortunately very few understand what drives the homemaker!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-20957971769137864832010-03-06T04:24:34.834+00:002010-03-06T04:24:34.834+00:00"I won't even attempt to explain why but ..."I won't even attempt to explain why but I do sometimes wonder why we don't have the incessant need to achieve and possibly even prove ourselves that our peers do."<br /><br />My family is very similar to yours in that regard. The parental units wanted us (kids) to succeed in school for the simple reason of being to function in this world. But when it came to scholarships or awards, they were very hesitant. Don't get me wrong, mum and dad are incredibly proud of us, but they didn't want us to fall into the trap of believing those achievements were all to be had in life. Unfortunately, when living the "high life" one tends to forget the important things: religion, family, etc etc. <br /><br />In a nutshell, my parents raised us to expound our energies on implementing Islam into our daily lives, but not forgetting that a good education was essential to surviving in this dunya. <br /><br />I hope this makes some sense; it's rather late here. =)<br /><br />(found your blog through mash)Dastardlyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16454845527929875734noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-68314389769197857772010-03-05T23:04:23.101+00:002010-03-05T23:04:23.101+00:00Nice post!
Although I notice you write "we&...Nice post! <br /><br />Although I notice you write "we're not CURRENTLY driving any fancy German cars". (my caps). I recall you giving me a lift in a rather fancy German car once. Although "fancy" is a relative term, and I think of that as quite fancy as I'm content with my charismatic 12 year old Fiat. Hey, it's Italian and it's red. Isn't that what a lot of boy racers want? :-DThe Big Ohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/13824130545139171385noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-11323698495484829192010-03-05T17:35:12.525+00:002010-03-05T17:35:12.525+00:00Excellent post. I completely agree with you.
We ...Excellent post. I completely agree with you. <br /><br />We are hardwired to aim for a financially rewarding career, European cars, mc mansions, et al. and that's how success is measured. This pursuit sometimes leads us to believe that a happy family like yours (mashAllah) doesn't need work/care/attention, and we end up taking family (the most important unit) for granted.Zanyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16786906632909587584noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8048953.post-87047278998780984482010-03-05T11:40:02.256+00:002010-03-05T11:40:02.256+00:00Great post. I loved reading it.Great post. I loved reading it.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07678747201319313504noreply@blogger.com