Sunday, January 24

Link of the Day Click for more info

Women told to stop looking for Mr Right

Between articles in lefty papers like the above, and clever Muslim women running surprisingly sensible Internet seminars, I feel like there's actually a bit of a mindshift occurring. Single women (and men) are finally being told to get real and that they can't have everything, and to now figure out what they want the most and chase that, instead of what some feminist liberal teacher or older and wiser friend has been telling them to aim for instead (a Gucci Handbag that is).

Personally I prefer Megan Wyatt's approach of changing attitudes than Lori Goottlieb's approach of "settling", but it's all the same thing really: we need to realise that it's not unambitious to aim for kids rather than career; that being able to keep a home and be a mother isn't any less worthy than running a business; and that real contentment comes from the familial and mundane rather than the exotic and exciting.

Will women listen? Probably not.

A tip of the hat to Faruk for the link.

17 comments:

  1. I know someone whose aim in life actually is a Gucci handbag.

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  2. Anonymous13:56

    i think it is extremely hypocritical to say such things. I for one did not want a career or aim for a career as such. Instead i plodded along in life wanting someone to want and know me for me and not the title that i did or did not possess, as my career does not say what sort of mother or wife i will be. I found that men did not want to know me and wouldn't even consider me as it was looked down upon as it was seen as being lazy not active and a bit of a waste really.. and till this day the first thing every potential asks me is "so what is your profession?"
    i was also considered less as a potential by ther mothers too as i wouldnt match up to thier sons for deciding not to persue a career and instead to spend time with my family and do homely things.. so i find it quite patronizing really as exactly those sort of girls do exist but men won't even give them a chance as men doo want it all but won't admit it.

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  3. zsa zsa snore

    why is either wrong? to want kids or want a career ... or even worse.. hai.. both!!

    why cant we just do what we do.. im so sick of shoulds, and do this, and why havent you..

    just piddle off.. im going to do things my way.. ladies you can write your books, newspaper articles and your (weird..face blurred) web blog things..
    what would help is taking the bloody pressure off!!

    and if a lady wants a gucci bag and nothing else..good for her.. we all have to start somewhere with our dreams and ambitions!!

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  4. Anonymous15:09

    ditto. its about everyone finding themselves and being comfortable with who and what they are. if a girl wants to be a stay at home sort of person then good for her but it isnt what men want is the point i was trying to make as shak is portraying that that is what men are wanting not the career orientated sort; and if a girl wants to aim for a career and the gucci bag then equally good for her as no man is ever going to get u a gucci bag n if thats what u want u go for it.
    the point i was trying to make is that men doo want it all which is impossible we cant be everything; each and every one of us needs to find and settle for who they are and what they're looking for

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  5. In reference to your last paragraph, the women I know and myself don’t frown on the domestic and motherly life and welcome it. Women want to achieve and be the very best in their careers until they marry and have kids (and afterwards). Everything is possible as long as it is done in phases and not all at once. My contentment comes from both the familial and mundane and the exotic and exciting.

    You have misdiagnosed this as a reason why women are still single, and misunderstand modern, single women. It is due to complex reasons that women remain unmarried; I think that (Muslim) women are not marrying because there are more of them than men. The men are spoilt for choice.

    Many women are ready to jack in the rat-race and settle down to marry and have kids, but they’re going to live life to the full and try to excel before the right man comes along. They may emphasis their careers due to a sense of pride and because that is their day-to-day focus, but this does not mean they don’t care about home-making.

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  6. Anonymous16:42

    the very process of wanting to be the very best in your careers and living life to the full we are compromising other aspects to the self.
    it is only when this supposedly mr right comes along that we will drop everything and pickup this domesticated side, which is then finding another side to yourself that isnt necesserily you or what it is that the guy fell for but rather he falls for what u are at the time he finds you that he falls for which is your career and what ever it was that was important for you or made you the person u were at the time.
    this phase thing sounds good in theory but don't think it works in thoery..
    Though i agree with you this isn't the only reason or thee reason we are single there are a lot of complex reasons; as you say there are more of us than men, possibly cultural constraints in meeting people and more significantly men themselves being spoilt for choice, not knowing what they want or don't want. What i also find an issue is people really arent being true to themselves with who they really are and what it is that we are looking for.

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  7. Lori and Megan are sort of saying the same things I thought. Be realistic. Mr Right is a fantasy which doesn't exist. But I think the problem is knowing what IS realistic. Its hard to judge those boundaries, you don't want to undersell yourself but you don't want to be too picky. How does one get the overall big picture? That's a challenge.

    In any case I am with Sharmin. Take the pressure off yourself, do your own thing. Don't let finding the one become an issue. Let life flowww....

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  8. Anonymous19:09

    with that you could be sleep walking to your menapause i think..

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  9. Woo.

    Sharmin,

    >why is either wrong? to want kids or want a career ... or even worse.. hai.. both!!

    Who said it was wrong? And who said the article was talking about you? As far as I'm aware none of those who have commented so far are 30+ yet so I'm not too sure why any of you are taking it so personally.

    And yes you should absolutely do it your way; unlike the women this article is talking about you won't be complaining if you're hitting 35 and are still single.

    >and if a lady wants a gucci bag and nothing else..good for her..

    Yep. And if a guy wants to spend all his money on a car and nothing else (including his family) then that's a valid choice for him to make too. I wonder how many women would consider him a decent proposition though.

    Ghazal,

    >the women I know and myself don’t frown on the domestic and motherly life and welcome it

    Good for you. That (again) just means that this article doesn't apply to you and your friends.

    >My contentment comes from both the familial and mundane and the exotic and exciting.

    In short, you want it all? Which of these things are necessities and which are requirements? Why do you have to say it all in one sentence? Why is this qualification needed?

    >It is due to complex reasons that women remain unmarried; I think that (Muslim) women are not marrying because there are more of them than men. The men are spoilt for choice.

    Even if what you suggest is true, the numbers are irrelevant in the discussion of how to *increase* your chances of success in this game. Life isn't fair; you can either lament or change yourself (without compromising) with the aim of becoming happier.

    >Many women are ready to jack in the rat-race and settle down to marry and have kids, but they’re going to live life to the full and try to excel before the right man comes along.

    It's this definition of "the right man" that's being called into question by Lori. Who is he? Is he the potentially wonderful father and husband where it matters or the guy who simply "accepts who you are" or "understand the needs of a modern, independent woman"? They're not necessarily the same thing, which is precisely the point. And even if they can be had at the same time, perhaps only focussing on the important bits will open up the possibilities with more men?

    >They may emphasis their careers due to a sense of pride and because that is their day-to-day focus, but this does not mean they don’t care about home-making.

    Maybe not, but for a guy who doesn't really know you yet a lack of even a mention about the latter vs an emphasis of the former will only give one impression. If that's an incorrect one then I can only advise that you be more explicit about what you want and are willing to do after marriage when meeting potential spouses.

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  10. Asikha,

    >Its hard to judge those boundaries, you don't want to undersell yourself but you don't want to be too picky. How does one get the overall big picture? That's a challenge.

    It's a journey I guess. The article supposes that by thirty you'll know. However judging by some of the replies here it seems some women DO know what they want, but the message somehow becomes diluted with talk of other stuff. Why this is, I don't know.

    >In any case I am with Sharmin. Take the pressure off yourself, do your own thing. Don't let finding the one become an issue. Let life flowww....

    Sounds good until you wake up and wonder where the past ten years went (and that's me talking btw :)).

    It all pretty much comes down to a wonderful quote Megan made on Thursday: "The kind of guy you're looking for doesn't want a halal girlfriend but a wife". If you want someone to accept you for who you are, then join City Circle or something. There'll be plenty of men and women willing to sing your praises and take you out for a fun and engaging dinner. If you want someone to marry, then tell them why you'd make a good wife, and ask him why he'd make a good husband. As impressive as being able to afford a handbag or being able organise a fundraiser for Haiti or running a book group are, they don't say too much about how good, practically, a wife and mother you'll be. But hey, maybe he'll introduce you to his future kids as a role model.

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  11. Anonymous19:47

    well said shak. for once i agree with you.

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  12. Keep your eyes open, be proactive and take time to know yourself. Give people the chance to make you happy, rather than picking at the reasons it won't work.

    Who is Megan?

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  13. Boshor14:55

    miaoww.. the claws have really come out.

    marriage and everything that surrounds it is so complicated that everyone can go back and forth with their personal take on it 'til the cows come home but it isn't going to demystify the process or make it happen any faster. it certainly isn't something chicks with books and articles can solve. every girl needs to work out what her definition of mr right is and what a happy successful marriage means to her. afterall it's your marriage ladies, no point following someone elses guidelines.

    in the end all anyone can do is hope for the best really. you may think you're marrying mr right but people can and do change. so the man you once thought was everything you wanted may turn out to be an ape you want to accidently push under a bus. i don't know, just a possibility. i think my point is talking/writing/blogging about marriage is interesting but ultimately pointless.

    forget what everyone else has to say, as that mash guy said: take time to know yourself. whats the point in hunting for the one if you haven't even figured out who you are.

    and my aim in life is to own a vintage porsche. i just haven't figured out if i'm superficial enough to really mean that

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  14. Boshor,

    I think there's been some kind of misunderstanding here. I don't think Lori or Megan are suggesting how all women should behave in order to get married. They're also not saying what's right or wrong. They're effectively saying what you and Mash are; that we should really look to find out what will makes us happy. This advice can definitely be given to men too.

    The specific contexts comes from who they have spoken to - Lori to 30+ single women who, after honest introspection, discovered that what would have actually made them happy is stuff they were being offered but had declined; and Megan to twentysomthing Muslim girls who were either unable to express what they really wanted or not willing to prioritise it in their search.

    The most I'm suggesting is that some of the people I know may currently be or end up in these situations.

    I sincerely hope I'm wrong about this. I'm know that a) there are plenty of 30+ single women who DO NOT have the same regrets and b) there are plenty of women who were lucky enough to get the guy they wanted at the time and have been happy since, and God-willing all those searching will fall into one of these categories. However, given that it's the women who first and foremost complain about the situation they find themselves in, I'm not sure that I am.

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  15. Boshor13:17

    i apologise i haven't actually read what either of these ladies have to say.

    i think everyone just needs to take a step back. we're constantly fed so much information about when it's the right age to get married, what makes the perfect husband/wife, how girls are too picky, boys are even pickier, etc etc etc. all we're doing is letting other people make us miserable (or judging by some of the comments to this post, kinda pissed off - sorry, am i allowed to say that here? :-S)

    that's not to say i consider sitting back and doing nothing the way to go, because i don't. everyone should be proactive in a way that suits them. like you said shak, you don't want to wake up one day and wonder where the last 10 years went.

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  16. keep in mind you can get married and wake up wondering where the last 10 years went.

    being married isn't some kind of magic key to happiness.

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